‘The Assam Rape Festival In India Begins This Week’- Are You Participating?

Women are not having the shiniest of days under the Indian sun, agreed, and a latest satirical post published in National Report makes a pathetic comment on the same, shaming and infuriating the whole nation. The social media was quick to respond to this verbal atrocity, and while people all over the world puked on the Indian male mentality, Indians jumped guns defending their stance and dubbed this report as utter nonsense. Which it sure is.

assam rape festival in india

Now satire, or humor, has no limits. But dragging down to mud a whole nation shall be seriously fumed upon. And that too a country that’s facing serious rape issues. That’s like unlocking new insensitivity levels. You have to have fictional names for the places and characters you’re putting down in your satire, and ‘Assam’ and ‘India’ surface on “a little too specific”.

Here’s the entire post that went viral on several public forums:

Men in India are already beginning to celebrate as the annual Assam Rape Festival is just days away. Every non-married girl age 7-16 will have the chance to flee to safety or get raped.

Madhuban Ahluwalia who heads up the annual festival told reporters why the event is so important. “This is a long time tradition in Assam dating back thousands of years,” says Ahluwalia. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is necessary for everyone.”

The Assam Festival began in 43 BC when Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu raped everyone in his village of Doomdooma. Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu is remembered every year at this event, in fact the trophy given to the man with the most rapes is called “The Baalkrishan”.

24-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar told reporters that he has been training all year for this event. “I’m going to get the most rapes this year. I’ve been practicing all year. I rape my sister and her friends every day. I will be rape superstar number one! I will get the Baalkrishan prize this year for sure!”

12-year-old Jaitashri Majumdar told reporters she almost made it through last year’s festival without getting raped. “I came so close to not getting raped. I almost got to the ‘rape-free-zone’ at the edge of town, but at the last minute 9 men jumped on me and raped me. Luckily I am just recovering now so I can participate in this year’s events, otherwise I would be put to death by stoning.”

34-year-old Brian Barnett from Toronto who is visiting Assam on business told reporters he will be missing the festivities this year. “My company did not tell me anything about a rape festival happening while I was here. Are you serious, a rape festival? I’m getting the f*ck out of this backwards country tonight.”

India is second in reported rapes in the world only behind the United States, though critics are quick to point out that is only because most rapes in India go unreported. For more information on the festival or if you would like to participate, please call the 24-hour Assam Rape Festival hotline at (785) 273-0325.

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Author David Emery surely didn’t foresee the negative impact his piece shall have on Assam, or rather on the whole of India. Well, now he knows, and there’s nothing he can do about it. The arrow has been shot, and it has killed India’s repute on satirical grounds.

The sad thing is, now we’re all participating in the fest.

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